Cross-genre novels are confusing. Heck, it’s hard just to understand one genre, let alone more than one. That’s why I’ve compiled a nifty cheat-sheet detailing what each literary genre is about so that you can have a more informed basis from which to ruthlessly mock them.

Science Fiction – Nerds. These are people that sit at a computer all day long, talking in the mysterious coding language of numbers and describing gruesome alien physiologies. That’s why they write science fiction – because they don’t have actual lives.

Memoir – Self-absorbed whiners. Not only do these people have the sappiest sob stories you’ll ever hear, but they also believe that they deserve to be heard – and they will hit you over the head as many times as necessary to make sure you do.

Romance – Sex-deprived married ladies. They’re so desperate they’re willing to labor through books – actual written documents – for some naughty tidbits under the cloak of a love story.

Literary Fiction – Academics and Rhetoricians. They want to laud their supreme literary prowess by delving into experimental forms. They also have a tendency of forcing you to read their books and then making you feel like an idiot when you don’t understand it. After all, if a book is making money, it’s obviously of no literary value.

Historical Fiction – Perfectionists. These types of writers are willing to spend hours and hours researching such dull topics as plague infection in the 1600s or whether or not Shakespeare had reading glasses. The story is often not as important as getting those specific details right; readers of the genre will promptly throw a book riddled with anachronisms into their kindling pile.

Young Adult – Money-market whores. YA is the fastest-growing and most exciting new genre. There is a lot of money

to be made, and not that many words to be written. Authors of YA are looking to make a quick buck and exploit the fanaticism of youth readers.

Children’s– Doodlers. These people aren’t really writers; they just like to draw pretty pictures.

Poetry – Angsty teenagers.  Poetry is their only outlet of self-expression. Usually they agree that these journal-type entries are pretty, like, deep and stuff. Never agree to attend their poetry reading; you will not escape with your eardrums intact.

Mystery – Copycats. All mystery stories are the same, essentially, and so authors of the genre rework old Nancy Drew who-dun-it stories in pretty new packaging. Not to mention their collective hundreds of thousands of pages of the same suspense tricks done over and over again.

Fantasy – Escapists. They can’t handle the real world, and so they turn to lore of dragons and magic to drown themselves in ridiculous fantasy. They will do anything to avoid real-world issues, let alone actual conversation with a real person.